The Power of Forgiveness

Choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

Relationship expert, Phil Ayres shares about the power of forgiveness in any relationship.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness has a purpose,” began Phil, “It’s not just forgiving for the sake of forgiving, but forgiveness actually brings freedom when we practice that aspect of our relationship.”

Forgiveness stops hurt and resentment building up and weighing us down.

Phil said that the New Testament holds the central theme of the Christian faith, which separated it from so many other religions of the day- unconditional forgiveness.

“Jesus modeled that when he was on the cross. There’s this amazing verse on the cross where he says, ‘Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they’re doing’. It’s the most epic statement of the New Testament.”

In that moment, God forgave humanity.

“You would imagine that lightning would have flashed, because it was God releasing forgiveness to humanity, to all of us. And the guards did not take one scrap of notice of what he said.”

Unconditional Love

Jesus offered something that wasn’t voluntarily received by anyone who was present, but he willingly gave it as a free gift.

“He wasn’t waiting for anyone’s performance or response before he gave that. And that’s the secret of true forgiveness. True forgiveness is the willingness, I think, not just to forgive for the sake of it, but to trust God that he knows best and that he ultimately is the just judge.”

Phil said it is so important to apply this to the relationships we have, as it will strengthen us.

Love and Unforgiveness

Can we love someone and hold onto unforgiveness?

“Yes and no. You won’t grow in that love,” said Phil.

“In other words, forgiveness has a way of putting us in the ground and holds us it binds us to the hurt of that experience. And so even though you love someone, what that unforgiveness does, if you hold it, it will stunt your capacity to continue to move forward and to grow together.”

Phil points to the notion that people move on.

“They’re actually saying, they couldn’t keep growing with that person in the in the potential of the relationship because that that unforgiveness had stumped them. It had held them and bound them to that experience which stopped and stunted the growth potential of the relationship.”

The Impact of Unforgiveness

The presence of unforgiveness and resentment poisons the desire to communicate and communication is the foundation of true intimacy.

“Unforgiveness actually poisons intimacy,” said Phil.

“When unforgiveness comes in, the desire for intimacy is completely assassinated. It shuts down your emotional heart and it causes grief, it causes pain, it ends up creating separation and it literally poisons. It’s like a systemic poisoning of your entire soul that reduces your capacity to feel loved and to give love. It’s a crazy, insidious type of thing that affects us.”

Hurt People

“You can’t not feel hurt. Hurt feelings happen and there’s a whole range of things that happen with hurt feelings. But hurt feelings don’t have to become a destruction of the soul,” said Phil.

He argued that hurt feelings done have to become a deterioration of the heart.

“Hurt feelings have got to be addressed quickly. You’ve got to make a choice. And the reason God gave us the power to forgive is because what it does that minimizes the residue.”

When Phil is teaching couples about conflict, their intention is to get conflict out of the relationship.

“But the problem is because of their differences, conflicts will continue to happen. What they need to learn to do is manage that. And when hurt has happened, to forgive quickly.”

He pointed to the scripture in Colossians 3:13: ‘Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’

“Don’t wait until you feel like you’ve forgiven, because that’s a deception… letting your emotions lead your will.”

Phil said that choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

“Whereas if you let your feelings lead you, will never change. It’ll just be a roller coaster on a continuum. We’ve got to learn to live out of the choices we and things we believe, not the feelings and things we experience. Otherwise, we’ll be always at the mercy of things that happen to us.”

Forgiveness

“When forgiveness is enacted, it keeps us free of the poison. It keeps us free to communicate and therefore continue to build intimacy with that special person. It’s crazy the way that resentment grows, not just in one relationship, but it filters into everything you do.”

A Question to Ask

Phil wraps with this encouragement and a key takeaway:

“Forgiveness helps my ongoing hunger to know my spouse at an ever-deeper level. It stops that stunting of growth. But the question I’d ask everyone today is this: Am I practicing real forgiveness with the one I love? What can I do today to let go of hurts that hold me back from our growth in the relationship we have?”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

Feature image: Canva