Building Realistic Expectations When Dating
By: Telana Sladen
Relationships Coach Pastor Phil Ayres, unpacks a topic that many singles wrestle with – how to create healthy, realistic expectations when dating.
The conversation shone a light on the deeper work required to build strong, lasting relationships.
Why Realistic Expectations Matter
Pastor Phil launched straight into it: dating gets complicated when emotions run high. When you’re attracted to someone, he explained, “you’re love drunk.” Chemistry intensifies, dopamine surges, and suddenly every red flag starts looking like a quirky bonus.
He reminded listeners that this early stage – often called the infatuation phase – can completely distort your perspective. Because of that, you might be tempted to place your partner on a pedestal and believe they can do no wrong.
However, Phil encouraged daters to stay grounded. “They’re a normal human being,” he said. “And you’re putting them in the place of God if you expect perfection.”
By staying anchored in God’s love, he added, you can enjoy the excitement of early romance without losing sight of reality.
Step One: Avoid Putting Your Partner on a Pedestal
As the team discussed, infatuation makes small flaws look endearing, at least at first. But unrealistic perfection creates unfair pressure on your partner and eventually leads to disappointment.
Pastor Phil explained that a healthier approach recognises both the strengths and imperfections of the other person. “The higher you put them,” he said, “the harder you fall.”
Instead, he encouraged listeners to stay emotionally sober, grounded in faith, and mindful that no partner can meet every need.
Step Two: Communicate Your Expectations Clearly
Transitions in a relationship often expose unspoken expectations. Whether it’s the early dating stage or the moment kids enter the picture, assumptions can quickly cause friction.
Phil emphasised the importance of speaking openly about what you want rather than hoping the other person magically understands. “Don’t assume they know,” he warned. “Communicate clearly.”
Bec shared how she and her husband had to revisit their expectations after welcoming children. Their story highlighted how communication must grow and shift as relationships evolve.
Step Three: Address Conflict When It Appears
When Asa asked how singles can even identify what expectations they should have, Pastor Phil offered simple, practical wisdom: pay attention to conflicts.
“Look for the areas where differences appear,” he said. “And when they do, don’t avoid them. Discuss them.”
Instead of trying to predict every issue upfront, Phil encouraged couples to work through challenges as they come. Facing disagreements with honesty and courage lays the foundation for a stronger connection.
Step Four: Offer Grace – Because No One Is Perfect
As the conversation deepened, Pastor Phil highlighted the transformative power of grace. Both partners are human. Both are learning. And both will mess up at times.
“Real love grows in patience and forgiveness,” he said. The imperfections and moments of tension often create opportunities to bond more deeply.
Bec pointed out that overcoming hurdles together can actually strengthen the relationship – proving you can face difficulties with humility and teamwork.
Asa echoed the reminder that ego often stands in the way, prompting Pastor Phil to quote Ephesians: “Be humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Building Love That Lasts
Active communication, humility, grace, and spiritual grounding – these ingredients help couples navigate dating with wisdom and confidence.
Pastor Phil wrapped up the discussion by reminding listeners that expectations don’t just affect dating; they shape marriages too. Setting fair expectations early can lead to contentment and peace rather than pressure and disappointment.
Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.
Feature image: Canva
