5 Ways to Fight Well and Turn Conflict Into Connection
By: The Centre for Effective Living
A common myth about relationships is that not fighting is a good sign. Although not fighting may sound ideal, peaceful, easy, and drama-free, in reality, the absence of conflict can sometimes signal emotional distance, avoidance, or unspoken resentment.
What truly matters is not whether you fight, but whether you know how to fight well, this includes engaging with respect, care, and a willingness to understand each other.
In their book Fight Right, Drs. John and Julie Gottman offer a powerful reframe: conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we handle it that matters. When approached with care and curiosity, conflict can actually become a gateway to deeper understanding, growth, and closeness.
Here are 5 key takeaways from the Gottmans’ work that we’ve found helpful in our work with couples:
1. Start Gently to Fight Well
When emotions are high, it’s easy to jump in with blame or criticism. But the way an argument begins often sets the tone for how it will end. Starting with a gentle “I” statement, like “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and could use some help”, is far more effective than “You never help around the house.”
2. Stay Emotionally Engaged to Fight Well
In tough moments, some of us shut down or walk away. Whilst it’s a protective response, it can leave your partner feeling abandoned. The Gottmans talk about “turning toward” instead: staying present, even if you don’t have the perfect response. Sometimes just saying, “I’m trying to understand” can go a long way.
3. Watch for the ‘Four Horsemen’ to Fight Well
These are four communication habits that can seriously harm relationships:
- Criticism – attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours
- Contempt – using sarcasm, mocking, or eye-rolling to express disrespect
- Defensiveness – shifting blame or playing the victim instead of taking responsibility
- Stonewalling – shutting down or going silent to avoid the conversation
We all fall into these patterns from time to time, especially when feeling hurt or overwhelmed. But becoming aware of them, and learning to recognise the early signs, can make a big difference. Catching these habits early allows you to pause, reflect, and respond more thoughtfully before things spiral.
4. Make Repairs Along the Way to Fight Well
Conflict doesn’t have to be fully resolved in one conversation. What matters more is that both people feel safe, heard, and emotionally connected. Resolution often takes time, and it’s the small repair attempts, like a kind word, a gentle touch, or a bit of humour, that help maintain the bond. These gestures show that the relationship matters more than being right and can be the first step toward rebuilding understanding.
5. Go Deeper Than the Surface to Fight Well
Most fights aren’t really about the dishwasher, dirty laundry, or weekend plans. At their core, they’re usually about deeper emotional needs, like feeling appreciated, respected, accepted, or understood. When you take a moment to look beyond the surface of the argument and ask, “What’s really going on here?”, you open the door to more meaningful communication. That’s where real understanding begins, and where genuine healing and growth in the relationship can take place.
Fighting With Your Relationship in Mind
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether. It’s to approach disagreements with the mindset of building us, not just proving me. Fighting right means seeing conflict as part of the dance of a long-term relationship. Not a step backward, but a way forward. It’s not about fighting less. It’s about learning to fight well.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva
