By: Lorrene McClymont

I have been a step-parent for close to twenty years. It’s a unique journey, and no person’s experience will be the same.

No family has a recipe for successfully combining relationships with the other family, adding to the blended family, or navigating the myriad complicated circumstances that can occur with family breakdown. My husband and I both brought children into our relationship. Due to infertility, we were unable to add to our family. When we married, we both became step-parents. I am sharing from my experience things that worked in our house, as well as things we learned from our own family. 

Give the Children Some Agency

If you are starting the blended family journey, something that worked really well for us was to work with our kids on the house rules and consequences. We included our children in the conversation, then made sure we had a couple of posters with the rules up. In a situation where both of them had very little control, it meant they could gain some buy-in.  It also helped with different rules at different homes.  Because the kids had a part in discussing our house rules, it removed ‘well, I can do it at the other house’ from the conversation. 

The Kids Need Time

The kids need time to readjust when they come back from the other family’s house. Even in the most amicable of situations, there are likely to be some different rules and expectations between homes. It can be challenging, confusing, and frustrating for kids to come back, and it takes a minute to adjust. We used to find it took the kids at least a couple of days to acclimatise, which definitely led to some challenging behaviour.

Avoid Being the Disciplinarian 

It may be a controversial take, but as much as humanly possible, for us, it worked to have discipline done by the primary parent. I am not talking about situations where the step-parent was the only one present; if my husband and I were both in the room and something happened with our respective children, we would try to discipline our own. Our role as step-parents was to build relationship. We didn’t always handle this well in our house, and it can quickly lead to resentment when the non-biological parent constantly steps in to discipline unnecessarily. 

Communication Between Partners is Key 

Communicate with your partner. I did not communicate some things that happened early on in our relationship.  It was while we were adjusting to being a blended family, and I was afraid to upset everyone. I was trying to make things work, and I didn’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings. We had already both had a failed relationship, and I was terrified of messing up our marriage, so I kept quiet instead of working through things together. I carried a lot of anxiety in the early days, trying to hold it all together. My husband also struggled with this. It took a while to find a good balance, but communication is key. 

Prioritise Your Marriage

Your relationship with your spouse is primary. My daughter is married now, and we have discussed this in detail a few times over the years.  I did not put my husband first in the early days of our relationship. It had been my daughter and me against the world for a few years, and I jumped too quickly to her defense, often without hearing his side. Sometimes it was necessary, because I understood her unique perspective on life better than he did. But sometimes it wasn’t. When we blended the families, I just wanted everyone to be happy, and at times, that came at the expense of the relationship.

They Are Not Adults

We always tried to keep in mind that the children in our family were just that, children. Children hear everything, even when you don’t think they are listening. There is no place for any bad mouthing, gossip, or abuse of the other parent in front of them. Yours or your partner’s fight with the other parent is not their fight. They, as children, should be able to be children for as long as they can, and part of that is not being dragged into their parents’ adult situation. Doing this is not easy.  Family breakdown comes with all sorts of tension and pain. As a step-parent, there is nothing to be gained by saying horrible things to a child about their other parent. All that will happen is they will resent you. 

Blending a family is tricky. Not only are you bringing the scars from your previous relationship into the new one, even if you have done some healing, the kids can be deeply affected by what has happened in their home. Every situation is completely unique, and step-parenting itself is a unique journey. I have found in my own life and family, it has been a gift. I have learned things about myself that surprised me a good way, but also found some areas that really needed some work. We have developed a strong family bond over time, but it was the insights developed through the ups and downs of the journey that led to this.

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Article supplied with thanks to Lorrene McClymont.

About the Author: Lorrene McClymont is a writer and photographer from Hope Images. On her blog ‘Moments to Rest’, she shares about rest, faith, and family.

Feature image: Canva