Clashing with Your Teens? 3 Practical Steps for Dealing with Conflict
By: Mikala Sinfield
Parents want to pass on their wisdom, experience and values to their children – but it’s not always easy, particularly when your children are in their teen years.
You want to foster and develop the characteristics in your child that you value most and have a warm, connected relationship. As a result of puberty however, the brain, body and emotions are all under construction, which can lead to conflict and tension in the household. Puberty can also contribute to many changes such as difficulties with regulating emotions, the ability to communicate needs verbally, planning, time management, decision making and resilience.
So how can parents tackle issues that are ongoing sources of conflict with their adolescents? Clinical psychologist and children & families expert Dr Ross Greene recommends the following the three steps described below, for having conversations about specific difficulties. Greene’s suggestions are based on his research based on working with families for many decades.
1. Show Empathy
When discussing issues that are creating conflict, it is essential to approach the conversation with compassion and a genuine desire to understand your teenager’s point of view. Show interest and curiosity about what they have to say, letting them know their thoughts and feelings matter. Avoid dismissing, judging or ignoring their perspective, as this can shut down open and honest communication. In this step you are trying to find out why they are having difficulty meeting an expectation. It could be that this expectation is new or there might be other obstacles in their path.
A good way to start the conversation is saying something such as: “I’ve noticed that… (insert the specific difficulty). What’s up?”.
For example: “I’ve noticed that you’re having trouble remembering to unpack the dishwasher each morning. What’s up?”
2. Tell Them Why You’re Concerned
Many teenagers can relate to the frustration of being given the reply: “because I said so!” Instead, try sharing your wisdom, experience and values about why the difficulty needs to be addressed. This means clearly and calmly sharing why the unsolved problem affects your child or affects others. By opening a conversation in this way, you are also helping lay the foundation for your child to address conflict helpfully with others in the future.
A possible example could be:
Adult : “I’ve noticed that you’re having a hard time starting your math homework right after school. What’s up?”
Child: “I’m just really tired after school, and I want to relax first.”
Adult (Empathy): I get that you need to relax after school, I would want to relax after a long day too.
Adult (Defines Adult Concerns): But I’m concerned that when you wait until bedtime, you don’t have enough energy to do your best work or get enough sleep. That’s important, too.
3. Invite Them to Find a Solution a Together
The third step is involves inviting your child to help you brainstorm solutions to the problem that are realistic and that you both agree on. In this way, you create the best chance that your child will have buy-in to the solution, leading to longer lasting change.
Some helpful phrases to start the conversation are:
“I wonder if there’s a way….”
“Let’s think about how we can solve this problem together…”
“Do you have any ideas?”
For example:
Adult (Invitation): I wonder if there’s a way where we can make sure you have enough energy to do your homework and you can also have a break? Do you have any ideas?
Dealing with conflict is never easy! Remaining calm, dealing with difficulties proactively, and working together with your teen, gives them the best chance at learning the skills to solve problems independently as they progress toward adulthood.
For further up-to-date and relevant resources on parenting have a look at the following websites:
And if you’re needing some additional support in applying new parenting skills during the teen years, why not consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Psychologists are trained to help you with these skills!
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Serving.
Feature image: canva
